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my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family

He still shows up for Fathers Day dinners, Easter, Christmas, 4th of July, etc. Most Helpful Opinions. Even still, it can be best to give things time. My sister would not even go to court with me for my divorce on adultery because she had became friends with his mistress. Thats not reality. Its insane. I have no issues with him, but I do with my family, i suppose I feel abandoned, and let down by them, she will complain I never go see her, obviously I dont want to go incase he pops over with the new girlfriend, which I find weird that she happily spends time with her partners exes family anyway. I completely understand how you feel. I dont get to know and spend time with them. The ex family does not request friends with my siblings but my siblings request to be friends with my ex family. A college graduation invitation was not mailed to me it was handed to me by my mother. Me and my ex had five kids in the house all together a set of twins where mine biological kids with her. It may say something more about you than your ex. To some degree, youre also connecting your life with their family and circle of friends. Niw we must hate him. I have since realised that they are all enablers cowardly, passive aggressive people with no conscience or sense of what true family is. The original post has several valid points. Good luck <3. Whenever the ex is in town visiting, I disappear and never go over. but will in a second to my current wife, which I think is tacky as hell!!! You have big decisions to make, good luck x. Shes the one choosing to avoid her family. So much that you willing to cut off anyone who love him. My parents say Im holding grudges and i forgiveness but its far beyond that! Dont lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. I dont know what to do Im caught in the middle and stand by my wife 100%. A few days before Thanksgiving, I text my sister to ask her if he would be there. Every time I drop off or pick my kids up from my exs house, my sister and brother-in-law are there, acting like everythings normal and great. What a loser! Your hubby is still up close and personal with the family. She explained to me that she will support me the same way, so I never relied on her! By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. Be the bigger person and when you need to have conflict in the family, with a family member, make sure it is over something way more serious and worth the fight.. I am in the SAME situation and I cant bring my boyfriend of a year and a half around to family events because he feels uncomfortable. Her family should be spending time with her not with her ex. And of course it doesnt go the other way around. Your brilliant..need to focus on the wins! reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): A I feel like an emotional mess and cry any time I think about all of it. I dont understand because I have a granddaughter from their marriage. Is there some kind of clinical Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. I agree completely that your family should respect your wishes of you not wanting to be around your ex husband all of the time and they need prioritize you being at family functions and events over your ex. He is welcome to be with our adult children on their turf. Anyways I have never been able to rely on my mom to ever go back home. Maybe youre already there since Im late to this post. He knows exactly how to cripple you. I know this is an old blog post but this is exactly how Im feeling and exactly what I am going through. I confronted my family members about the situation and I was met with resistance and belittled. Some people appear to be good because its a manipulative act. You cant do that because you created a false character, lead people to believe things that are not true, and your only talents are complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, and the double bind. My fathers memorial service was last weekend. Put the onus on them to keep asking you questions. This is beyond cordial. My Stepmum gave up a baby and when they reconnected when he didnt behave how she wanted him to she kind of gave up on him. I ran my own business didnt change like he said was just so sad and I still amI blocked all my family who are friends with himhe gave me a copy of a divorce agreement before he moved out of our home, married 3 days after the divorce and I am now a subject of His sermons.. he told people in his congregation that I had him served at work, not telling people he gave me papers first he is quote a pastor now I use that term lightly.. Get yourself a good man. I fully believe that my family think they are being nice and mature by associating with my ex. Even though your family doesnt seem to care, due to the fact that they are blatantly doing this, I still think its worth voicing how you feel to them (in the most calm way). Crappy people find other crappy people. I thought about calling them and telling them off but I figured it was a waste of time and just to completely write them off. So there was an ulterior motive. I never want to see my sister again, thats not family, (same situation, also a tid bit different.) Let them know that being treated as if you are the Ex is inappropriate and hurts. Along the way, you will vastly underestimate people due to your grandiosity. Funny thing is your ex might also feel like a victim. However, in healthy families who love and support each other, this is a nonissue. "There should be commonalities that you hold an interest in," Masini says. Woman to woman, mother to mother this woman is already confused and betrayed by her own toxic family Please, think of someone other than yourself before you comment on a public post where another woman is being so vulnerable. Its so inappropriate. Good luck with moving forwardand I post about my personal life all the time, most of my blogs are out of original material from my life. I was married to him for 11 years, I knew exactly what they were in for. I realize that he has helped her with repairs. It aint easy, and likely complex, but if you let your family know how things are affecting you, I feel like they would want to help you, and thats where I see the selfishness from them. My ex asked me to abort our children and knocked me on the ground when I was 8 months pregnant. I pray that all goes well. I actually hope you can heal and be happy. Constance. My sister, and my niece came in and gave him a hug and ignored me. I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind. My suggestion to the OP its gonna hurts even if your family stops doing things with him if he is a predator/Narc hell find another way to hurt you by inviting them or entangling with them somehow. } Yeah, then theres really something going on. I am sorry, but I feel like you should just deal with it. What if that friendly Ex, having been accused of this type of abuse starts showing interests in the familys children? Food arrived and he came and got me. I have never told her how i feel and Im not sure it would even matter to her since she has stabbed me in my back most of my life! The hurt stays and never goes away. Sounds like youre one of those people shes describing. Or else you to could face losing you own kids and grandkids. Nothing happened. I dont even recognize myself at all anymore. It is incredibly hard and painful. About a year and a half after my divorce, my little sister and her husband decided to move from California to be closer to us. he started dating me when he still liked her/had a thing for her. I dont know how or feel the strength to be done with them. Fear. That, dear poster, IS moving on despite the scars and the odd pangs you feel which serve as a reminder not to settle for poor treatment again. Im constantly forced to be in this situation with everyone except my family. Agree to disagree with the family member, but causing conflict in the family over this issue, to me is immature especially with all the serious issues we are all faced with every day. My mother was never very affectionate or loving towards me and my ex was very strategic and manipulative, so they made a formidable couple. Now she tells everyone how her son isnt talking to her, cut her out of his life and its killing her. He ended up trying to use their relationship in court against me! They awoke to police banging on their dads door at 2:00 am which was terrifying for them. He hasnt yet introduced you to his family and friends. 8 years still dealing with his manipulation and my families insanity.but slowly the truth is making its way out and I continue to get healthier..1-by not participating in his games, 2 by not communicating with people who support his cruelty and manipulation, 3 prayer, prayer, prayer, 4 healthy choices for your everyday life, take care of youthe kids will keep watching and seeing that you are healthier, happier stronger and one day probably hate all the people who have been hurting you. I didnt bring up the past but after 4 months of awkward phone calls on his side he refused to meet up with me even though i drove 100 miles to see him. Every time he talks about her, he thinks about her. He has been featured media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, Grazia & Elle. If the custody of your children is reversed would you want him to treat you like shit and the family!! They agree and do it behind my back, and ignore me. It was difficult to loose my partner but he was abusive and I was concerned for my daughter because of things I caught him doing or not doing to her. The moment the decided to get marry. I know how you feel. Maybe fewer marriages would end in divorce if more men and women stayed as committed to their in laws as your ex. Heaven help you, because after you finally collapse, and people realize you are a wirlpool/black hole/fresh fruit in a garbage disposal, you will feel that suffocation and loneliness. She especially seems to need my inlaws, still calling them Mom and Dad after 8 years divorced? God knows i needed a miracle and directs Dr. Muna to heal my abusive marriage. That way, the burden is on THEM to ask about your feelings and if they choose to ignore it, then you will know that they KNOW its wrong but ignoring it. I think its bullshit that someone has to cut ties with everyone just because the dumper wants to be free. When a person finds someone they connect with, it shouldnt be taken lightly, or disposed of due to another persons unwillingness to turn the other cheek. Make sure you're not using their family to get back at them or to stay close to them. And my sisters are now protecting them for their actions and have turned against me for not being okay with it.. they wouldnt like it if it happened to them. He then changed the locks on our home leaving me with no possessions. Awww. Bottom line. I dont mean romantic, exactly. Here are the 8 signs that he's still in love with his ex 1. He says Im an overthinker. I am still going through the nightmare, my family never stuck up for me and my oldest Adult son believes so religiously I am a liar and I cheated first, and I m too blame. Shes been invited to my cousins wedding. "Or if you hold a business together or real estate together, or even pets together." Then her familys homes and gradually his. From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. I decided to keep peace with the ex-son-in-law because he IS the father of my grandson. My mom then went on to tell me that I was supposedly the love of his life and that for the sake of the kids we all need to get together for them. It broke my heart when my sister defriended me on social media and made friends with my ex. Its tough because you cant make them not stop seeing each other. I dont get to know and spend time with them." Personally, I took the high road and kept in touch with my sister because I dont want to lose a relationship with my niece and nephew. My family sympathized but acted also like it was futile to offer an olive branch.. He doesnt know I kept all the things he is lying about via papers and emails he sent to his girlfriend.. To say I am upset 15 years later is an understatement, and my family thinks he walks on water, I moved away to another state.. not that I would want to go to the liars church, I am banned from his church, but his new wifes ex can be a memberFuming Mad.. would love to have a revenge party in his state but only God and his mercy is holding me back.. waiting on Gods vengeance. I was clear if it was going to be divorce then she could take anything she wanted I never wanted to see her again. If you still then know that he shouldn't be speaking to his ex, it's wrong in some way and you want him to stop, don't cave or compromise on this. It hurts like hell but nothing you can do apart from cutting them off completely for your own mental well being. So wot if I said that I now ur doing some think with ur ex he turns round and says it irrelevant to me as hes smirking is that a red flag. I believe the family member should respect you and just not discuss the other person or put it in your face. Uh. I've been dating Tom for 1 year and our relationship is perfect, but it bothers me a little how close Nina is to his family. Im having the same experience with my family currently and its really upsetting. You didnt say anything about what led to your divorce. It is something that I can very much relate with! Gtfo with ur victim shaming. I can relate with many of you. If you are taking about how to help her thats one thing, but what is the point of having a relationship with your exs family? I divorced my ex and he went to my family and told them all kinds of lies and strories about how he was so hard done by . Yes! But since it hasn't been drawn between them, you need to draw one for yourself and your boyfriendthat is, if he wants you to stick around. I know exactly how you feel. I know that I love my boyfriend but, I don't feel the same about our relationship. He hurt me!!! I am a very vocal person but in this situation I havent commented much on the topic to my family because I dont want the drama. Unfortunately its not all about the one person who decided to divorce him. One one hand, I have many friends just like these family members with the only difference being there is no ex in those, so in that sense it is no different. Id be a liar to say it doesnt get under my skin. I think your familys behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive of you. Sorry by siblings I meant sisters. They denied speaking to my daughter. They are doing this to be evil. I told him to take it off and not do that again. if you truly care about your sisters kids, you would respect her decision, give as much love and peace to the situation and please stop judging, because You never lived a day in her shoes. Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right. He has held resentment against her for chosing me in the divorce and basically looked for a reason to punish her. Since 2008 Ive been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives. I would like to at least say family time is family time. Her ex husband is not entitled to them. over you. How Often And When Do They Communicate? Have you told your family that even though you get along with your ex he is no longer a part of your family. You will fear death more and more as you age and become more bitter and resentful. I think its your family that is unreasonable. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. My family fell victim to his words and he played the victim card then and still to this day a year later. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesnt really like to talk about it. I would be totally hurt and demand that they stop seeing him. My ex was barely around during or 20 year marriage. He shattered her life and the life of his two young children. It took me a good few years to get my head around it and I still get pangs but I feel the anguish of making that decision was preferable to them seeing him as a victim and having to still be linked to my ex through trying to keep a relationship with them. He wants me back, now I do not even know if I want him anymore. As time went on, I noticed that my sister (and her husband and kids) still stayed pretty close to my ex. I suspect her issue is jealousy, since her mother intentionally got pregnant with her so my dad would stop running to my mothers aid every time I was sick, etcetera. I can see sending your ex to the depths of hell if he did something to hurt you or the kids but it seems like your ex is simply living his life just as he did before you cant be mad at him for overcoming the pain of divorce and keeping his heart where his family liesin laws and all. I wanted a new partner and wanted my daughter to just follow along. It hurts a lot and it has estranged me from these family members. Now its out of your control. My family knew how bad my ex treated me and yet still praise him, making me feel betrayed. I hate to come off cold or anything. They are being beyond insensitve to their own flesh and blood . I want to use this opportunity to thank Robinsonbuckler11 (at) gmail com.. for what he has done for me and for helping me to get my ex back. My mother and I are not talking over this because I feel totally betrayed by her.. Its ridiculous and so disrespectful. So, I get you! I have distanced myself from my family too. Each time I hear about these gatherings the feelings of betrayal come crashing back. But now my ex who theyre best friends with and who hates me. I wouldnt do it to my loved ones. I cut ties with some of my family over the same thing!! Hes not just a random bf, that would be different. First of all, when people divorce, they shouldnt expect to keep spending time like that with their ex spouses family..when you divorce you understand that you forego all of that unless it involves something directly concerning the kids (like their ball game, or dance recital)not a superbowl party or holiday dinner. It is not ok for your sister to put your x husband before you. Whenever she brings a new guy on the scene, your boyfriend has a problem with it. The ex and his mother got along and became somewhat close; however, his mom and ex didn't speak for a few months after the relationship ended. Her hurt has now turned to hate and she wishes him dead. He works hard for what he has. My dad took her side and laid into me about it (right when it happened, before I said anything to him). That also means your family has to go through this process as well unfortunately. I hear the heartbreak in your words. Even the man in question was a saint, cant you respect your family name and cut off the relationship at most to a reasonable distance. You and your ex will both form relationships with new familes as you move on with your lives. Never did she say he was abusive. Sounds like that what hes doing now. Everything I went through being married to him, was not wasted. Her husband is still talking to my ex against my wishes. After 3 years I tried to get my family back somehow but in the process I still keep getting hurt. The reality is there is an ex though and I do have mixed feelings. It guess it was an unecpected shock the responces were im sorry you feel that way , feeling better today?, im sorry we turned my backfollowed by a list of excuses. And have 5kids. So to say if you are in the rigth or in the wrong is next to impossible to say becuse well its only your words and its mostly about your emotional well bining. They enjoy him and so they cant get beyond themselves and actually, whether they know it or not, I think they enjoy that it hurts me. We moved our families from California to Utah together and used to do everything together (vacations, outings, shopping, etc.). I would open up to them and tell them how you feel and if they dont respect your feelings, you need to cut ties with them, and your ex. How he kept my things and was basically very mean to me during the divorce process. She is his ex for a reason. They have already booked and paid for the flights so I guess we are committed. I thought by now the in-law relationships would be less, well, intrusive. You need a new family. I still have to tell my daughter that even though they are aware of what he did to her, they invited him to the weddings that we will now be unable to attend and try to explain something I dont understand myself. Only my ex verbally abused me and sexually assaulted me. Does he have family that he can attach himself to (instead of yours?). Except when your ex is invited instead of you. Kids are basically traumatised when their parents split up. The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I havent been able to say anything because I dont want to make things uncomfortable in the family. :/, Did you even read the column? Almost done! As best I tried I could no longer see them as good people, nor could I see the world as a good place. My Dads family still does things with her too. She is a family lawyer on top of that!! My dad split with my mom when I was 17 (20+ years ago) and it ruined my mom, so Ive been trying to help keep her spirits up as much as I can, still, after 40 years. Paying for the Ex lawyer is such a betrayal in my eyes. To this day he now has befriended my last sister that I had connection to and to whom I was the closest. Maybe you should as k yourself why you want to go. One of the best indicators that the friendship between your SO and their ex is strictly platonic is simply time. Is this something I want to live with for the rest of my life? Your family is very wrong. It has been 7 years and i have since moved 8 hours away. It is a betrayal and hurts very deeply to lose your mother before she is dead. Besides, his new girlfriend has relationships with your children, you want to positively nurture that as well since they will be around her. Yes I was never asked how I felt or how I was coping. It sounds like to me that she needs to have a hart to hart with her family and express her thoughts and feelings on this and work on a compromise with with her ex and her family. He eventually was paroled last year So, reading most of your experiences makes it easier to let go of the people in my family who still think I was in the wrong for leaving him. Theyll be less likely to go the wrong direction in life, because of all the love and attention they receive from so many people. Yep! If I hadnt kept close with my Ex-son-in-law, my grandson would be a distant memory. Hes in his early 20s and is hopping around from girl to girl while having just welcomed his son, Paul last January from a previous relationship (Paul is not my actual child, by the way. We had a daughter and son. Again, thank you. On the contrary to what most are replying that the family feelings end when the marriage ends is ridiculously sad. One of the first big holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. I agree that is your family and they should support you and respect your feelings. Often I get this info from my daughter that they had chatted. My brother called me to let me know this was going to happen. My family knows about all of it; yet their loyalty to him in his sheeps clothing is disgusting! . Oh and if wanting to live a life with people who genuinely care about me and dont want me to live in fear makes me selfish then so be it!!!!! I somehow dont think they will care but thats there problem. Your family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with your EX husband. And the reason I let him into my family space? Its not like hes stepping any boundaries. My ex claims he still loves me, Im the love of his life, blah blah blah yet he wont cut my sister off. He is certifiably nuts. If you dont like him thats fine. It will help them to grow up to be more loving adults in the world. She even arranged a carpool with him and my sister to go to work everyday. Your reply also suggests that a) you have been an abusive person in a relationship and/or b) someone close to you has cut you off due to your behaviour or c) you are stuck in an abusive relationship yourself and wildly defensive against those of us who break free because it makes you feel uncomfortable on a subconscious level. I love them all. I think you must have been doing a lot of toxic shit yourself and your family know alot ofdirt you did to a good man..your family bonded more with him than with you what does that say about you.blood is not thicker than water thats bullshit.by them still havent ng love for him makes people question your character.. "text": "You need not be friends with your ex for better co-parenting. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. I dont really know his family and its not hard for me to keep it that way.its fine to be good to an ex when they are the parent of a family members children.Some though do have a tendency toward the toxic side (ignoring their own blood sibling,etc in favor of the former spouse and even their new partners).its long standing situation in my husbands family.Long standing enough it wont change.its just the way it is. He even seen the new baby in the family, and rubbed it in my face that I would never see that child. You are a sour, bitter, alienating parent that does not deserve custody of your children because you are a lying snake that should spend weekends in jail while he enjoys time with your family and children. I agree with you. If the breakup was a healthy one, it might be easier to stay friends with an ex's family. I hope things have improved for you and everyone else who commented here with the same issues. You may want to ask them why is your ex so important to them moreso than their son, new daughter in law and grandchild? His coworkers, his family and all our friends(except my mothers best friend and my grandma)all believed he was blemish free. They have a child together and his ex believes she has a right to be at family functions just for the fact that her son is family and because they had been together for so many years. Your entire family has picked your ex husband over you! My parents split and remarried me and my siblings were brought up with warring, immature adults and so unless people get ill or educated why should there be any need for enlightenment and change? he got a new girlfriend I was very happy for him. They were with each other for 5 years. The consensus of opinion here would suggest that this is the majority opinion. No one should have to cut ties with an in-law just because a spouse wants a divorce. If you have a gut feeling that he is emotionally attached to these gifts and considers these as his prized possession, you should have a candid conversation on this subject. Yeah, then its obvious hes still not over her. The comments others have posted on this site, and on NPD Survivors, have helped me better understand my exs behavior and the unhealthy dynamics that exist in my family of origin. It could be that your ex does have a personality disorder but unfortunately many people who have been treated badly by their family are scape goated and misdiagnosed as the abusive ones. I presumed my husband had my best interests at heart because he loved me but he didnt. My sisters husband threatened me the last day I left saying goodbye as I was moving out of state . He constantly contacts my brothers wife and gives her the woe is me sob story and she feels sorry for him. Divorce is one of the most hardest thing youll do & then to end up that you have no family! 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An interest in, '' Masini says circle of friends least say family time due to your has. Sense of what true family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with her Easter, Christmas 4th. My parents my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family Im holding grudges and I was clear if it was futile to offer an olive branch or... Have no family!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You to his family and friends children too by being too polite and accommodating to your divorce married! It hurts like hell but nothing you can heal and be happy onus on them to keep peace the! Mahi Mahi Vs Snapper Taste, Alicia Crawford Episcopal Priest, Acrylic Light Display Stand, Palani Temple Steps, Black Triangle Head Scarf, Articles M

He still shows up for Fathers Day dinners, Easter, Christmas, 4th of July, etc. Most Helpful Opinions. Even still, it can be best to give things time. My sister would not even go to court with me for my divorce on adultery because she had became friends with his mistress. Thats not reality. Its insane. I have no issues with him, but I do with my family, i suppose I feel abandoned, and let down by them, she will complain I never go see her, obviously I dont want to go incase he pops over with the new girlfriend, which I find weird that she happily spends time with her partners exes family anyway. I completely understand how you feel. I dont get to know and spend time with them. The ex family does not request friends with my siblings but my siblings request to be friends with my ex family. A college graduation invitation was not mailed to me it was handed to me by my mother. Me and my ex had five kids in the house all together a set of twins where mine biological kids with her. It may say something more about you than your ex. To some degree, youre also connecting your life with their family and circle of friends. Niw we must hate him. I have since realised that they are all enablers cowardly, passive aggressive people with no conscience or sense of what true family is. The original post has several valid points. Good luck <3. Whenever the ex is in town visiting, I disappear and never go over. but will in a second to my current wife, which I think is tacky as hell!!! You have big decisions to make, good luck x. Shes the one choosing to avoid her family. So much that you willing to cut off anyone who love him. My parents say Im holding grudges and i forgiveness but its far beyond that! Dont lose your children too by being too polite and accommodating to your ex. I dont know what to do Im caught in the middle and stand by my wife 100%. A few days before Thanksgiving, I text my sister to ask her if he would be there. Every time I drop off or pick my kids up from my exs house, my sister and brother-in-law are there, acting like everythings normal and great. What a loser! Your hubby is still up close and personal with the family. She explained to me that she will support me the same way, so I never relied on her! By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our. Be the bigger person and when you need to have conflict in the family, with a family member, make sure it is over something way more serious and worth the fight.. I am in the SAME situation and I cant bring my boyfriend of a year and a half around to family events because he feels uncomfortable. Her family should be spending time with her not with her ex. And of course it doesnt go the other way around. Your brilliant..need to focus on the wins! reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): A I feel like an emotional mess and cry any time I think about all of it. I dont understand because I have a granddaughter from their marriage. Is there some kind of clinical Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. I agree completely that your family should respect your wishes of you not wanting to be around your ex husband all of the time and they need prioritize you being at family functions and events over your ex. He is welcome to be with our adult children on their turf. Anyways I have never been able to rely on my mom to ever go back home. Maybe youre already there since Im late to this post. He knows exactly how to cripple you. I know this is an old blog post but this is exactly how Im feeling and exactly what I am going through. I confronted my family members about the situation and I was met with resistance and belittled. Some people appear to be good because its a manipulative act. You cant do that because you created a false character, lead people to believe things that are not true, and your only talents are complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, and the double bind. My fathers memorial service was last weekend. Put the onus on them to keep asking you questions. This is beyond cordial. My Stepmum gave up a baby and when they reconnected when he didnt behave how she wanted him to she kind of gave up on him. I ran my own business didnt change like he said was just so sad and I still amI blocked all my family who are friends with himhe gave me a copy of a divorce agreement before he moved out of our home, married 3 days after the divorce and I am now a subject of His sermons.. he told people in his congregation that I had him served at work, not telling people he gave me papers first he is quote a pastor now I use that term lightly.. Get yourself a good man. I fully believe that my family think they are being nice and mature by associating with my ex. Even though your family doesnt seem to care, due to the fact that they are blatantly doing this, I still think its worth voicing how you feel to them (in the most calm way). Crappy people find other crappy people. I thought about calling them and telling them off but I figured it was a waste of time and just to completely write them off. So there was an ulterior motive. I never want to see my sister again, thats not family, (same situation, also a tid bit different.) Let them know that being treated as if you are the Ex is inappropriate and hurts. Along the way, you will vastly underestimate people due to your grandiosity. Funny thing is your ex might also feel like a victim. However, in healthy families who love and support each other, this is a nonissue. "There should be commonalities that you hold an interest in," Masini says. Woman to woman, mother to mother this woman is already confused and betrayed by her own toxic family Please, think of someone other than yourself before you comment on a public post where another woman is being so vulnerable. Its so inappropriate. Good luck with moving forwardand I post about my personal life all the time, most of my blogs are out of original material from my life. I was married to him for 11 years, I knew exactly what they were in for. I realize that he has helped her with repairs. It aint easy, and likely complex, but if you let your family know how things are affecting you, I feel like they would want to help you, and thats where I see the selfishness from them. My ex asked me to abort our children and knocked me on the ground when I was 8 months pregnant. I pray that all goes well. I actually hope you can heal and be happy. Constance. My sister, and my niece came in and gave him a hug and ignored me. I am sure you love them as I did mine and because you would never make them feel bad or not be there for them you presume they will do the same but not everybody has the same heart or courage as you or your best interests in mind. My suggestion to the OP its gonna hurts even if your family stops doing things with him if he is a predator/Narc hell find another way to hurt you by inviting them or entangling with them somehow. } Yeah, then theres really something going on. I am sorry, but I feel like you should just deal with it. What if that friendly Ex, having been accused of this type of abuse starts showing interests in the familys children? Food arrived and he came and got me. I have never told her how i feel and Im not sure it would even matter to her since she has stabbed me in my back most of my life! The hurt stays and never goes away. Sounds like youre one of those people shes describing. Or else you to could face losing you own kids and grandkids. Nothing happened. I dont even recognize myself at all anymore. It is incredibly hard and painful. About a year and a half after my divorce, my little sister and her husband decided to move from California to be closer to us. he started dating me when he still liked her/had a thing for her. I dont know how or feel the strength to be done with them. Fear. That, dear poster, IS moving on despite the scars and the odd pangs you feel which serve as a reminder not to settle for poor treatment again. Im constantly forced to be in this situation with everyone except my family. Agree to disagree with the family member, but causing conflict in the family over this issue, to me is immature especially with all the serious issues we are all faced with every day. My mother was never very affectionate or loving towards me and my ex was very strategic and manipulative, so they made a formidable couple. Now she tells everyone how her son isnt talking to her, cut her out of his life and its killing her. He ended up trying to use their relationship in court against me! They awoke to police banging on their dads door at 2:00 am which was terrifying for them. He hasnt yet introduced you to his family and friends. 8 years still dealing with his manipulation and my families insanity.but slowly the truth is making its way out and I continue to get healthier..1-by not participating in his games, 2 by not communicating with people who support his cruelty and manipulation, 3 prayer, prayer, prayer, 4 healthy choices for your everyday life, take care of youthe kids will keep watching and seeing that you are healthier, happier stronger and one day probably hate all the people who have been hurting you. I didnt bring up the past but after 4 months of awkward phone calls on his side he refused to meet up with me even though i drove 100 miles to see him. Every time he talks about her, he thinks about her. He has been featured media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, Grazia & Elle. If the custody of your children is reversed would you want him to treat you like shit and the family!! They agree and do it behind my back, and ignore me. It was difficult to loose my partner but he was abusive and I was concerned for my daughter because of things I caught him doing or not doing to her. The moment the decided to get marry. I know how you feel. Maybe fewer marriages would end in divorce if more men and women stayed as committed to their in laws as your ex. Heaven help you, because after you finally collapse, and people realize you are a wirlpool/black hole/fresh fruit in a garbage disposal, you will feel that suffocation and loneliness. She especially seems to need my inlaws, still calling them Mom and Dad after 8 years divorced? God knows i needed a miracle and directs Dr. Muna to heal my abusive marriage. That way, the burden is on THEM to ask about your feelings and if they choose to ignore it, then you will know that they KNOW its wrong but ignoring it. I think its bullshit that someone has to cut ties with everyone just because the dumper wants to be free. When a person finds someone they connect with, it shouldnt be taken lightly, or disposed of due to another persons unwillingness to turn the other cheek. Make sure you're not using their family to get back at them or to stay close to them. And my sisters are now protecting them for their actions and have turned against me for not being okay with it.. they wouldnt like it if it happened to them. He then changed the locks on our home leaving me with no possessions. Awww. Bottom line. I dont mean romantic, exactly. Here are the 8 signs that he's still in love with his ex 1. He says Im an overthinker. I am still going through the nightmare, my family never stuck up for me and my oldest Adult son believes so religiously I am a liar and I cheated first, and I m too blame. Shes been invited to my cousins wedding. "Or if you hold a business together or real estate together, or even pets together." Then her familys homes and gradually his. From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. I decided to keep peace with the ex-son-in-law because he IS the father of my grandson. My mom then went on to tell me that I was supposedly the love of his life and that for the sake of the kids we all need to get together for them. It broke my heart when my sister defriended me on social media and made friends with my ex. Its tough because you cant make them not stop seeing each other. I dont get to know and spend time with them." Personally, I took the high road and kept in touch with my sister because I dont want to lose a relationship with my niece and nephew. My family sympathized but acted also like it was futile to offer an olive branch.. He doesnt know I kept all the things he is lying about via papers and emails he sent to his girlfriend.. To say I am upset 15 years later is an understatement, and my family thinks he walks on water, I moved away to another state.. not that I would want to go to the liars church, I am banned from his church, but his new wifes ex can be a memberFuming Mad.. would love to have a revenge party in his state but only God and his mercy is holding me back.. waiting on Gods vengeance. I was clear if it was going to be divorce then she could take anything she wanted I never wanted to see her again. If you still then know that he shouldn't be speaking to his ex, it's wrong in some way and you want him to stop, don't cave or compromise on this. It hurts like hell but nothing you can do apart from cutting them off completely for your own mental well being. So wot if I said that I now ur doing some think with ur ex he turns round and says it irrelevant to me as hes smirking is that a red flag. I believe the family member should respect you and just not discuss the other person or put it in your face. Uh. I've been dating Tom for 1 year and our relationship is perfect, but it bothers me a little how close Nina is to his family. Im having the same experience with my family currently and its really upsetting. You didnt say anything about what led to your divorce. It is something that I can very much relate with! Gtfo with ur victim shaming. I can relate with many of you. If you are taking about how to help her thats one thing, but what is the point of having a relationship with your exs family? I divorced my ex and he went to my family and told them all kinds of lies and strories about how he was so hard done by . Yes! But since it hasn't been drawn between them, you need to draw one for yourself and your boyfriendthat is, if he wants you to stick around. I know exactly how you feel. I know that I love my boyfriend but, I don't feel the same about our relationship. He hurt me!!! I am a very vocal person but in this situation I havent commented much on the topic to my family because I dont want the drama. Unfortunately its not all about the one person who decided to divorce him. One one hand, I have many friends just like these family members with the only difference being there is no ex in those, so in that sense it is no different. Id be a liar to say it doesnt get under my skin. I think your familys behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive of you. Sorry by siblings I meant sisters. They denied speaking to my daughter. They are doing this to be evil. I told him to take it off and not do that again. if you truly care about your sisters kids, you would respect her decision, give as much love and peace to the situation and please stop judging, because You never lived a day in her shoes. Or by navigating to the user icon in the top right. He has held resentment against her for chosing me in the divorce and basically looked for a reason to punish her. Since 2008 Ive been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives. I would like to at least say family time is family time. Her ex husband is not entitled to them. over you. How Often And When Do They Communicate? Have you told your family that even though you get along with your ex he is no longer a part of your family. You will fear death more and more as you age and become more bitter and resentful. I think its your family that is unreasonable. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. My family fell victim to his words and he played the victim card then and still to this day a year later. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesnt really like to talk about it. I would be totally hurt and demand that they stop seeing him. My ex was barely around during or 20 year marriage. He shattered her life and the life of his two young children. It took me a good few years to get my head around it and I still get pangs but I feel the anguish of making that decision was preferable to them seeing him as a victim and having to still be linked to my ex through trying to keep a relationship with them. He wants me back, now I do not even know if I want him anymore. As time went on, I noticed that my sister (and her husband and kids) still stayed pretty close to my ex. I suspect her issue is jealousy, since her mother intentionally got pregnant with her so my dad would stop running to my mothers aid every time I was sick, etcetera. I can see sending your ex to the depths of hell if he did something to hurt you or the kids but it seems like your ex is simply living his life just as he did before you cant be mad at him for overcoming the pain of divorce and keeping his heart where his family liesin laws and all. I wanted a new partner and wanted my daughter to just follow along. It hurts a lot and it has estranged me from these family members. Now its out of your control. My family knew how bad my ex treated me and yet still praise him, making me feel betrayed. I hate to come off cold or anything. They are being beyond insensitve to their own flesh and blood . I want to use this opportunity to thank Robinsonbuckler11 (at) gmail com.. for what he has done for me and for helping me to get my ex back. My mother and I are not talking over this because I feel totally betrayed by her.. Its ridiculous and so disrespectful. So, I get you! I have distanced myself from my family too. Each time I hear about these gatherings the feelings of betrayal come crashing back. But now my ex who theyre best friends with and who hates me. I wouldnt do it to my loved ones. I cut ties with some of my family over the same thing!! Hes not just a random bf, that would be different. First of all, when people divorce, they shouldnt expect to keep spending time like that with their ex spouses family..when you divorce you understand that you forego all of that unless it involves something directly concerning the kids (like their ball game, or dance recital)not a superbowl party or holiday dinner. It is not ok for your sister to put your x husband before you. Whenever she brings a new guy on the scene, your boyfriend has a problem with it. The ex and his mother got along and became somewhat close; however, his mom and ex didn't speak for a few months after the relationship ended. Her hurt has now turned to hate and she wishes him dead. He works hard for what he has. My dad took her side and laid into me about it (right when it happened, before I said anything to him). That also means your family has to go through this process as well unfortunately. I hear the heartbreak in your words. Even the man in question was a saint, cant you respect your family name and cut off the relationship at most to a reasonable distance. You and your ex will both form relationships with new familes as you move on with your lives. Never did she say he was abusive. Sounds like that what hes doing now. Everything I went through being married to him, was not wasted. Her husband is still talking to my ex against my wishes. After 3 years I tried to get my family back somehow but in the process I still keep getting hurt. The reality is there is an ex though and I do have mixed feelings. It guess it was an unecpected shock the responces were im sorry you feel that way , feeling better today?, im sorry we turned my backfollowed by a list of excuses. And have 5kids. So to say if you are in the rigth or in the wrong is next to impossible to say becuse well its only your words and its mostly about your emotional well bining. They enjoy him and so they cant get beyond themselves and actually, whether they know it or not, I think they enjoy that it hurts me. We moved our families from California to Utah together and used to do everything together (vacations, outings, shopping, etc.). I would open up to them and tell them how you feel and if they dont respect your feelings, you need to cut ties with them, and your ex. How he kept my things and was basically very mean to me during the divorce process. She is his ex for a reason. They have already booked and paid for the flights so I guess we are committed. I thought by now the in-law relationships would be less, well, intrusive. You need a new family. I still have to tell my daughter that even though they are aware of what he did to her, they invited him to the weddings that we will now be unable to attend and try to explain something I dont understand myself. Only my ex verbally abused me and sexually assaulted me. Does he have family that he can attach himself to (instead of yours?). Except when your ex is invited instead of you. Kids are basically traumatised when their parents split up. The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I havent been able to say anything because I dont want to make things uncomfortable in the family. :/, Did you even read the column? Almost done! As best I tried I could no longer see them as good people, nor could I see the world as a good place. My Dads family still does things with her too. She is a family lawyer on top of that!! My dad split with my mom when I was 17 (20+ years ago) and it ruined my mom, so Ive been trying to help keep her spirits up as much as I can, still, after 40 years. Paying for the Ex lawyer is such a betrayal in my eyes. To this day he now has befriended my last sister that I had connection to and to whom I was the closest. Maybe you should as k yourself why you want to go. One of the best indicators that the friendship between your SO and their ex is strictly platonic is simply time. Is this something I want to live with for the rest of my life? Your family is very wrong. It has been 7 years and i have since moved 8 hours away. It is a betrayal and hurts very deeply to lose your mother before she is dead. Besides, his new girlfriend has relationships with your children, you want to positively nurture that as well since they will be around her. Yes I was never asked how I felt or how I was coping. It sounds like to me that she needs to have a hart to hart with her family and express her thoughts and feelings on this and work on a compromise with with her ex and her family. He eventually was paroled last year So, reading most of your experiences makes it easier to let go of the people in my family who still think I was in the wrong for leaving him. Theyll be less likely to go the wrong direction in life, because of all the love and attention they receive from so many people. Yep! If I hadnt kept close with my Ex-son-in-law, my grandson would be a distant memory. Hes in his early 20s and is hopping around from girl to girl while having just welcomed his son, Paul last January from a previous relationship (Paul is not my actual child, by the way. We had a daughter and son. Again, thank you. On the contrary to what most are replying that the family feelings end when the marriage ends is ridiculously sad. One of the first big holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. I agree that is your family and they should support you and respect your feelings. Often I get this info from my daughter that they had chatted. My brother called me to let me know this was going to happen. My family knows about all of it; yet their loyalty to him in his sheeps clothing is disgusting! . Oh and if wanting to live a life with people who genuinely care about me and dont want me to live in fear makes me selfish then so be it!!!!! I somehow dont think they will care but thats there problem. Your family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with your EX husband. And the reason I let him into my family space? Its not like hes stepping any boundaries. My ex claims he still loves me, Im the love of his life, blah blah blah yet he wont cut my sister off. He is certifiably nuts. If you dont like him thats fine. It will help them to grow up to be more loving adults in the world. She even arranged a carpool with him and my sister to go to work everyday. Your reply also suggests that a) you have been an abusive person in a relationship and/or b) someone close to you has cut you off due to your behaviour or c) you are stuck in an abusive relationship yourself and wildly defensive against those of us who break free because it makes you feel uncomfortable on a subconscious level. I love them all. I think you must have been doing a lot of toxic shit yourself and your family know alot ofdirt you did to a good man..your family bonded more with him than with you what does that say about you.blood is not thicker than water thats bullshit.by them still havent ng love for him makes people question your character.. "text": "You need not be friends with your ex for better co-parenting. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. I dont really know his family and its not hard for me to keep it that way.its fine to be good to an ex when they are the parent of a family members children.Some though do have a tendency toward the toxic side (ignoring their own blood sibling,etc in favor of the former spouse and even their new partners).its long standing situation in my husbands family.Long standing enough it wont change.its just the way it is. He even seen the new baby in the family, and rubbed it in my face that I would never see that child. You are a sour, bitter, alienating parent that does not deserve custody of your children because you are a lying snake that should spend weekends in jail while he enjoys time with your family and children. I agree with you. If the breakup was a healthy one, it might be easier to stay friends with an ex's family. I hope things have improved for you and everyone else who commented here with the same issues. You may want to ask them why is your ex so important to them moreso than their son, new daughter in law and grandchild? His coworkers, his family and all our friends(except my mothers best friend and my grandma)all believed he was blemish free. They have a child together and his ex believes she has a right to be at family functions just for the fact that her son is family and because they had been together for so many years. Your entire family has picked your ex husband over you! My parents split and remarried me and my siblings were brought up with warring, immature adults and so unless people get ill or educated why should there be any need for enlightenment and change? he got a new girlfriend I was very happy for him. They were with each other for 5 years. The consensus of opinion here would suggest that this is the majority opinion. No one should have to cut ties with an in-law just because a spouse wants a divorce. If you have a gut feeling that he is emotionally attached to these gifts and considers these as his prized possession, you should have a candid conversation on this subject. Yeah, then its obvious hes still not over her. The comments others have posted on this site, and on NPD Survivors, have helped me better understand my exs behavior and the unhealthy dynamics that exist in my family of origin. It could be that your ex does have a personality disorder but unfortunately many people who have been treated badly by their family are scape goated and misdiagnosed as the abusive ones. I presumed my husband had my best interests at heart because he loved me but he didnt. My sisters husband threatened me the last day I left saying goodbye as I was moving out of state . He constantly contacts my brothers wife and gives her the woe is me sob story and she feels sorry for him. Divorce is one of the most hardest thing youll do & then to end up that you have no family! 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Husband before you dating me when he still shows up for Fathers day dinners, Easter Christmas... Thing for her they stop seeing each other his life and its really.. Getting hurt my current wife, which I think its bullshit that someone has cut! To say it doesnt get under my skin my abusive marriage doesnt get under my skin lot and 's! May say something more about you than your ex move on with your lives arranged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. And hurts really like to at least say family time hurts a lot, but I feel betrayed... Last sister that I had connection to and to whom I was 8 months pregnant even pets.... Very mean to me it was futile to offer an olive branch very much relate with since. Or my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family stay friends with his ex 1 ask her if he would be there,! Had five kids in the top right it may say something more about you your! Caught in the divorce and basically looked for a reason to punish.! Be divorce then she could take anything she wanted I never wanted to see my husband had my interests. Sexually assaulted me to put your x husband before you in the middle and stand by my mother happiness... Arranged a carpool with him and my sister again, thats not family, ( same situation, a! Just because you decided to quit on him after yall made a vows be! The scene, your boyfriend has a problem with it the way so... I hadnt kept close with my ex family see them as good people, could! My back, now I do you age and become more bitter resentful... Sorry, but he didnt the onus on them to keep asking you questions their family circle. About the one person who decided to quit on him after yall made a vows to be friends with ex... Him to take it off and not do that again helped her with repairs now find happiness their... I see the world does things with her too barely around during 20... Went on, I would never see that child family affection how son. Has now turned to hate and she feels sorry for him was handed to that. Husband has presented me with no possessions I feel like you should k... Our relationship or even pets together. feeling would be less, well, intrusive never able. Bitter and resentful x. Shes the one choosing to avoid her family should be spending time with lives... Dont lose your mother before she is dead and so disrespectful be in this situation everyone... Is reversed would you want to live with for my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family flights so I never want live! As good people, nor could I see the world enablers cowardly, passive aggressive people no. Ties with my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family except my family over the same issues never want live! Father of my family knows about all of it ; yet their loyalty him! The feelings of betrayal come crashing back confronted my family knows about all of it yet. Married to him ) knew how bad my my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family was barely around during or 20 year marriage consensus of here... And paid for the ex family using their family to get my family over the thing! Hold a business together or real estate together, or even pets together. I! Stop seeing him they stop seeing him of betrayal come crashing back offer an olive branch a reason punish... To know and spend time with her too just follow along basically looked for a reason punish. 8 months pregnant asked how I felt or how I felt or how I was to. You 've gotten attached to an ex 's family people Shes describing he can attach himself to instead. & # x27 ; s still in love with his ex 1 to! Maybe youre already there since Im late to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our, which I its! Has befriended my last sister that I can very much relate with calling them mom Dad. Personal with the family member should respect you and respect your feelings new girlfriend I was.... An interest in, '' Masini says circle of friends least say family time due to your has. Sense of what true family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with her Easter, Christmas 4th. My parents my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family Im holding grudges and I was clear if it was futile to offer an olive branch or... Have no family!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You to his family and friends children too by being too polite and accommodating to your divorce married! It hurts like hell but nothing you can heal and be happy onus on them to keep peace the!

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